July 1999

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club

I am married to a big Hollywood star named Ken Lerner, and my life is
just non-stop glamour. Whether I am separating aluminum from plastics
for the family recycling bin, imploring my children to put their dirty
clothes in the hamper or they can damn well go naked or yelling at the
cats to get off the kitchen table, I live life in the happy, glamorous
glow of being Mrs. Ken Lerner. And so, I recently decided to share my
joy and start the Ken Lerner Fan Club.

Simply put, Ken Lerner is one of the finest and certainly, funniest
actors in the world. You may think that as the wife of Ken Lerner I am
biased, but I am basing my observation on completely objective and
verifiable criteria.  And so I recently began harnessing the power of
the Internet to, as I said, launch the Ken Lerner Fan Club, of which I
am president and CEO.  I am sure you understand the pitfalls and
pressures I daily face. Yet, I, a simple housewife, somehow manage to
raise our children, steward the Ken Lerner Fan Club and still exude a je
ne sais quois air; maybe a quois de bathrobe air. It’s kind of a
miracle, really.

This fan club is different from other fan clubs. It will actually fan
you in hot weather (upon request, subject to my availability.)  Dues are
a little steeper than most fan clubs charge--$50,000 a year, though
oddly, no one has yet paid. (Please, by all means, be the first.) But it
is well worth the money as the fan club apprises you of Ken Lerner’s
many thrilling TV, film and commercial appearances as well as the
exciting inner workings of the Lerner household, which Ken heads with a masterfulness common to men twice his age.

With your fan club membership, you will receive free of charge our
exclusive fan club updates, as well as our special Fan Club limited
edition pink plastic Ken Lerner mobile to hang from your (choose one:)
car, truck, sports utility vehicle, taxi, tank, limousine or private
jet's rearview mirror. The way the little Ken’s cheeks catch the light
as the mobile twirls is nothing short of mesmerizing. The miles will
seem to glide right by.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President and CEO, The Ken Lerner Fan Club

August 1999

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

It is with sadness and no small amount of shame that I must tender my
resignation as president of the Ken Lerner Fan Club for not once but
twice, misleading you as to the time of Ken Lerner’s forthcoming Chicago
Hope episode, as well as other abuses of my position. Although I was
confused because it is a two-part episode, there really is no excuse for
a highly trained fan club professional such as myself to make such an
error.

Please, I beg of you, don’t let Ken Lerner hear of this screw-up on my
part as he would have expected far more professionalism from me, his fan
club president and would be deeply disappointed in me if he knew he had
a fan club, which he doesn’t because I figure I have to live with him, I
don’t want him to have a swelled head. But even though Ken doesn’t know
about this, I feel I should resign as there was another screw-up in that
one time I was in a hurry and Ken wasn’t home so I had our daughter,
Jenny, autograph Ken’s 8 x 10 glossy fan club pictures—a K, a J, what’s
the difference, I figured?—and now, in retrospect, I realize this was
morally wrong as well as an error in judgment even though Jenny’s
handwriting is far neater than Ken’s.

I also apologize for the error in the Ken Lerner Fan Club Peach Cremora
Sponge Cake recipe—I meant three cups of sugar, not salt, and I take
full personal responsibility for all that wasted salt and Cremora. I can
only hope that the lime Jell-O shrimp cocktail recipe was a big hit.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, the Ken Lerner Fan Club

September 1999

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

As you may know, I recently resigned as president of the Ken Lerner Fan
Club in deep embarrassment over having repeatedly sent out the wrong
information about Ken's shows, causing devoted fan club members to tune
in to the wrong channel at the wrong time on the wrong dates. Some of
you begged me not to resign, and although I was deeply moved by your
votes of confidence, I felt I could not in good faith continue when I
was so obviously unequal to the job's solemn responsibilities.

However, now, an occasion has arisen that is so special, I have not only
revived the fan club but even expanded it to people who were previously
unaware of the joys of membership in the Ken Lerner Fan Club. I want to
let you know about a new movie called With Friends Like These, which
sprang from Ken's card game of 20-plus years. One of Ken's poker
buddies, Phil Messina, wrote and directed this charming film, based on
the life of another poker player, Bobby Costanzo.

As you know, in addition to being a talented actor, Ken is a
sought-after acting coach; Ken, in fact, is so talented, he was able to
coach Bobby Costanzo on how better to play himself in his own movie.
Another character in the movie is based in part on Ken, however, this
being Hollywood, the part of Ken is played by Adam Arkin. Do yourself a
favor and watch With Friends Like These and tell your friends to watch
it too.

In other fan club business, if you haven't already done so, please send
your check for $50,000 for fan club membership. Along with your
membership card, you will receive an 8x10 glossy photo of Ken in a
pensive mood standing by his sock drawer in a crisp white shirt before
his audition as the letter Z in an Alphabets Cereal commercial, as well
as a photo of Ken's faithful dog, Buddy, watching his master eat his
morning bowl of oatmeal. In addition, while supplies last, you will
receive an autographed 1982 C.H.I.P.S script and a personalized greeting
from Ken's mother, Blanche.  Some of this is valuable collector's
memorabilia.

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,

President, The Ken Lerner Fan Club

October 1999

Dear Members of the Ken Lerner Fan Club,

I know that you are hungry for Ken Lerner viewing opportunities, no
matter how fleeting, therefore, I'm sure you will be thrilled to know
you can hear Ken Lerner utter the line, "That's certainly none of your
business, Squadron Chief Hedges" on the show, "Nash Bridges," on Fri.,
Oct. 8 on one of the networks--oh yeah, CBS.

If while watching, you look closely at Ken's left wrist, you may notice
Ken's pager wristwatch. The strap on Ken's pager watch just broke and
since Seiko is going out of the pager watch business as of December 31,
it didn't make sense for Ken to buy a new pager watch. This makes the
Nash Bridges episode especially significant for Ken Lerner-o-philes in
that it will be the last time the pager watch is featured in any of
Ken's TV shows, movies, or commercials. This is an insider tidbit that
only you, the Ken Lerner Fan Club members get--and which you can share
with your friends to dazzle them.

This is just another example of what makes membership in the fan club so
exciting and worthwhile.

In other fan club business, there have been some charges of nepotism
alleging that I may have a vested interest in being fan club president
seeing as how I am married to the star. Please know that I take my work
in the fan club very seriously, and do it out of sheer unadulterated
exultation over the fine work of Mr. Lerner, as I call him--even at
home--to keep things professional. My zeal for my job is in no way
motivated by the fact that my livelihood, the future college education
of my progeny, and my Thursday afternoon spa treatments at Le Salon De
Mal Chien Blanc depend on the star's continued success.

In addition, those of you who think the vermillion-colored Cadillac with
sepia organdy seat covers, and the liposuction were frivolous fan club
expenses just don't understand Hollywood. Both were job necessities.
Appearances are very important in this town, and I can't very well go
around representing Ken Lerner in a 1995 Dodge Caravan minivan with my
old thighs, can I? I would look like a complete geek and then where
would Ken Lerner, and the Fan Club, and you, be?

Sincerely,

Patti Klein Lerner,
President of the Ken Lerner Fan Club

P.S. Since many of you are involuntary members of the Ken Lerner Fan
Club--when I find something wonderful, it's my nature to share it, I'm
that kind of person, that's just who I am--some of you may not
appreciate your position in this elite group and may want to be removed
from the Fan Club list. Ridiculous as this may be, in my finite wisdom,
I know it takes all kinds of people to make the world go around, and for
some of you, it's spinning too fast, so if you want off the fan club
list, please let me know and I will take you off it immediately with no
hard feelings. And please remember, just because I'm not speaking to
you, it doesn't mean I'm mad.

Read the Los Angeles Times story
about the Ken Lerner Studio

New students should always call before they come. 818-753-7744.

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